


Regrets

by Cerih



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Friendship, KKBB, M/M, Regrets
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-10-29
Updated: 2014-09-13
Packaged: 2017-12-30 21:12:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,124
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1023439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cerih/pseuds/Cerih
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jack has returned to Cardiff. Ianto has regrets, Jack is clueless and Tosh is there for both of them. Spoilers for KKBB. Ianto/Jack; Ianto/Tosh and Jack/Tosh friendships.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Regrets

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I don’t own Torchwood.
> 
> Author’s notes: I’ve wanted to write something on Jack and Ianto’s first date for some time now. I guess it’s one of those moments in canon that most authors end up covering at some point or another. Anyway, this was not quite what I had in mind, but now that it’s written I quite like it.
> 
> Dedicated to my two partners in crime, Gmariam and Darcy58, who have had to listen to me talk about this story for weeks now.
> 
> As always, a huge thanks to Darcy58 for betaing this story!
> 
> *quietly hides under the table*

Regrets

He never thought Captain Jack Harkness would ask him out on a date. But Jack had done so.

He had always known he would accept, because really, what else was he supposed to say. So he had said yes.

He never thought the principal emotion he felt in anticipation of the date would be regret. But it was. He regretted saying yes. 

In Jack’s absence, he had tried to move on. He had had both male and female lovers in the hope that one of them might be able to offer him what he needed. While they had satisfied his need for human contact, he was left unfulfilled in a way that had nothing to do with physical urges. He missed the intimacy. He missed the trust. He missed being bared and exposed as he was with Jack in a way that again had nothing to do with the physical act of lovemaking. When they were together in bed, he could hide nothing from Jack. He wanted to hide nothing from Jack. And that was what he missed. That feeling that Jack could see all of him and that he accepted all of him.

He never found that with anyone else. Then again, half the time he could not remember the name of the person he was undressing.

“Jack asked me out,” Ianto said out of the blue.

“What?” Tosh all but squealed. “When?”

They were sitting in her living room, enjoying a glass of red wine in the aftermath of the chaos Captain John Hart has left in his wake. This had become a habit of theirs over the months when Jack was gone. They relaxed together after trying days, chatting quietly or sometimes just sitting in comfortable silence. They often took turns to cook dinner in Tosh’s well-stocked but rarely used kitchen, but tonight they were content to just have wine. A deep bond of friendship had been forged during the times of quiet companionship; one they both treasured. It was reassuring for them to have someone they could talk to with utter honesty about everything they saw in the course of their work. Considering the things they had been through together, they no longer had any reason to keep secrets from one another.

The corner of Ianto’s mouth was now twitching s he took in his friend’s excitement.

“While we were looking for the radiation cluster bomb in that office building. Only Jack would think to combine attempting to avert a major disaster with romantic overtures.” Ianto rolled his eyes at the memory.

“So was it romantic?” Tosh demanded, all but bouncing on the sofa.

“More awkward, to be honest,” Ianto replied. “I don’t think Jack has asked anyone out for quite some time. And I don’t think I’ve ever been asked out before, certainly not by a man, so he caught me by surprise. So all in all, awkward.”

“What has he got planned for you two?”

“He was talking about a dinner and a movie, the usual.” Ianto shrugged.

Tosh searched his face for a long while and whatever she found there made her frown.

“You are not as excited about this as I would have expected,” she remarked.

Ianto’s only response was a rueful chuckle. He got up long enough to retrieve Tosh’s laptop from the dining room table and returned to the sofa with it. Once the computer had powered up, he logged into the Hub’s secure network and accessed the CCTV feeds. He found the clip he was looking for easily, as he had already watched it many times over.

“I came across this by accident,” he said as he passed the laptop over.

The voices captured were tinny, but still audible. Thanks to some recent upgrades on their surveillance system, the cameras had captured every emotion on the faces of Jack and Gwen as they had talked in the corridor. Tosh watched the clip, her eyes gradually widening as the implications dawned on her.

“Ianto,” she started to speak but he cut her off.

“Once you put Jack asking me out into a wider context, it shouldn’t be hard to imagine why I’m perhaps not as excited as I ought to be.”

Tosh laid a hand on his arm, not needing to voice her sympathy. After a moment’s silence, she asked:

“What are you going to do?”

“The only thing I can do.” Ianto shrugged. “As hard as it may be to believe, I do have some shreds of pride left.”

“Well, I’m here for you, always.” Tosh smiled sadly.

“I know,” he said, his hand covering hers on his arm. “Thank god for you, Tosh.”

They shared a smile full of understanding, each finding comfort in the other’s presence. It seemed that no matter how much sorrow they bore, there was a fresh source waiting just around the corner. At least they could now turn to each other.

The following morning Ianto was in the Hub early, as always, but he was moving around a little gingerly. He regretted having said yes to that last glass of wine. He was not hung over as such, but too much red wine tended to give him a head ache the morning after. Staying up late, he and Tosh had talked about everything and nothing, and he sincerely hoped that she at least would have the good sense to come in a little later. There was nothing urgent requiring her attention first thing in the morning.

The early hours of the morning were always the most productive for Ianto. He got a great deal done before the others arrived and started distracting him. By the time he saw the lights come on in Jack’s office, his head ache was almost gone and he was feeling generally better about the day ahead. Anticipating Jack’s needs, he headed for the coffee machine.

When Ianto walked in with a steaming cup of strong coffee, Jack was making an unenthusiastic beginning on all the paperwork that had accumulated on his desk during his absence. He brightened visibly at the sight of Ianto; or it could have been the prospect of coffee that cheered him up.

“Ah, Ianto, you’re a life saver!” Jack exclaimed and eagerly reached for the hot mug.

“Morning, Sir.” Ianto nodded. “Let me know when you need a refill. I thought I’d spend the day in the archives, unless anything urgent comes up.”

“Thanks, Ianto,” Jack said. Ianto had almost reached the door when he spoke again:

“Hey, Ianto?”

Ianto turned around, hand on the door frame, and raised an eyebrow in query.

“So I was thinking, Rift permitting, that we could catch a late dinner tonight and the last showing of a film? If there’s anything good showing, of course.”

While Jack spoke, Ianto approached his desk slowly, until his finger tips just skimmed the polished surface. He regarded Jack for a long while before finally responding:

“About that. I don’t think it would be wise.”

“Great!” Jack said, before he realised that Ianto had not agreed with his plans. “Wait, what?”

“I changed my mind,” Ianto said evenly. “I don’t think a date would be a good idea.”

“Why not?” Jack asked, now thoroughly confused.

“Because I would regret going out with you.”

Even as he spoke, Ianto winced inwardly at the way his words sounded. Still, he was tired of the lies that had always surrounded their relationship, assuming that there was enough between them to even call it a relationship.

“Why do you think you’d regret it?” Jack whispered.

“Because I can’t go there with you, not again,” Ianto replied quietly. “It took a long time for me to feel okay after you left and I’m not ready to lose that.”

“Look, I’m sorry I left like that, but…” Jack started apologising, but Ianto raised his hand to stop him.

“It’s not about you leaving, or at least it’s not just about you leaving. It’s everything; you, me, Torchwood. I just can’t do it. I’ll be your butler, your office manager, your archivist, your colleague. I’ll even be your friend. But I can’t be your lover.”

“Is there someone else?” Jack asked, tone carefully neutral.

“You are a tough act to follow, Sir.” Ianto let out a hollow laugh.

“That doesn’t exactly answer my question,” Jack pointed out.

“No, there’s no one.”

“I don’t understand,” Jack asked, somewhat perplexed.

“It doesn’t matter.” Ianto gave him a rueful smile. “Because I finally do.”

With a nod he walked out, leaving Jack deep in thought with a cooling mug of coffee by his side.

It was early evening when Jack emerged from one of the tunnels and headed towards Tosh’s work station.

“Hey Tosh, have you seen Ianto?” he asked. “I think he said he was going to spend the day in the archives, but he’s not there and I can’t seem to find him.”

“He’s gone for the day. He came in early and I think he still had a head ache from last night.” Tosh glanced at Jack, but continued de-bugging one of her Rift programmes.

“What happened last night?” Jack queried.

“He was at my place.” Tosh shrugged. “We talked until late.”

“Ah, so you can probably tell me why he cancelled our date.” Jack looked hopeful.

“Yes, yes I could,” Tosh said, saving her work and opening up another file filled with equations.

“Are you going to tell me?” Jack prompted her when she said nothing further.

“I’m sorry to say this Jack, but sometimes you really are an idiot.” Tosh let out an exasperated huff.

“A little harsh, but okay,” he agreed. “Not sure what I’ve missed now?”

“Ianto looks after the whole Hub,” she explained slowly. “He knows everything that goes on in here.”

“So?” He still did not see what Tosh was getting at.

“So… You and Gwen, in the corridor…” Tosh trailed off as Jack finally understood. She saw a brief flash of anger in his eyes.

“He was watching us?”

“Of course he wasn’t watching you.” Tosh rolled her eyes. “He came across the CCTV clip later on, after you had already asked him out. According to him, it provided useful context.”

“It’s not what he thinks,” Jack rushed to explain.

“Isn’t it?” Tosh raised an eyebrow. “Look, you clearly don’t know what, or rather who, you want. Ianto does. Please respect his choices.”

“I need to talk to Ianto, to explain myself,” he said. “But I don’t know where to find him. His car is still here, so he couldn’t have gone far.”

“I think you should let him be, for now at least.” Tosh’s tone was carefully neutral.

“You know where he is, don’t you?” Jack’s eyes narrowed.

“Yes.”

“Are you going to tell me?”

“No.”

“But you are going to go to him yourself, aren’t you?” Jack guessed.

“Yes.”

“I could follow you, you know,” Jack pointed out.

“You could,” she agreed, “but you’re not going to.”

“How do you know?” Jack was curious, although he did not deny the truth in her statement.

“Because you know I’m right,” she stated simply. Jack was about to reply, but she indicated that he should wait.

“If you do decide that you want him and only him,” she continued with a stern glare, “then you need to give him time. Besides, Ianto deserves more than to be your second choice.”

“Ianto has never been,” Jack started to protest, but this time he stopped himself. “Okay, I do see how it might look that way, but in all honesty, he’s not a second choice.”

He raked a hand through his hair as he paced in front of Tosh.

“I just get so caught up with Gwen, I flirt too much and…” A gentle hand on his arm interrupted his rushed words.

“You don’t have to explain to me,” she said, “to Ianto, maybe, but not to me.”

“I want to explain,” he agreed. “I need to make things right.”

“You can do that by first giving him time. And while he’s getting used to the idea that you’re back, you should figure out what you truly want and then act accordingly.”

“Okay.” Jack nodded.

“Okay.” Tosh smiled.

“You’ll make sure that he’s okay, won’t you?” Jack checked.

“Yes, I will,” she reassured him as she got up and grabbed her purse.

“Thanks Tosh,” he said with unusual solemnity.

“What for?” She frowned in confusion.

“For being such a good friend for Ianto.”

“Oh, Jack.” Her smile widened as she gave him a hug and a quick kiss on the cheek. “Don’t forget that I’m your friend too.”

“Yes, but you’re on his side,” he quickly pointed out, trying to hide how much Tosh’s heartfelt words affected him.

“No, I’m not,” she said, shaking her head. “I just help both of you to make sense of things.”

“And you do it very well,” Jack smiled and placed a kiss on her temple. “Have a good night.”

“You too, Jack,” she replied as she headed for the door.

Jack loved his rooftops. Ianto, too, had somewhere he liked to go when he needed to think undisturbed. He walked south from the Plass, through the Landsea Gardens all the way to the Panorama Stone. He stood right on the edge of the path, the dark sea opening up before him. The wind blowing from the sea froze him to the core, but it could never compare to the chill that resided in him.

The sound of footsteps approaching him pulled Ianto from his thoughts. There was no need to turn around to see who it was; only Tosh treaded that lightly. She stopped by his side, wrapping her thin coat around herself to ward off the bracing wind.

“Jack is looking for you,” she said after a while.

“Let him look.”

“I asked him to give you time.” She looked at Ianto as she spoke, trying to see past the mask of dispassion that he wore far too often. Then his eyes flicked to hers and she realised that the mask was off. He looked utterly serene.

“Good.” He nodded. “Thank you.”

“Jack loves you,” Tosh assured him.

Her statement elicited a rueful smile from him as he wrapped his arm around her shoulders.

“No,” he whispered against her hair, “no, he doesn’t.”

There was sorrow in his voice, but also acceptance. Perhaps one day his self-control would break and he would go back to Jack. But today was not that day.


	2. Tentative Friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don’t own Torchwood, BBC does. This purely for fun.
> 
> Author’s note: I always intended Regrets to be a one shot, but my beta convinced me to turn it into a short series instead. I wrote this chapter some time ago, but wanted to wait with posting it until Love Worth Remembering was finished. 
> 
> I’m indebted to my beta, Darcy58, for his helpful suggestions, constructive critique and endless encouragement. Thank you.

Tentative Friends

Jack sat in his office, idly fingering the broken arm-blade of the Sleeper known as Beth. His thoughts dwelled on the dark, difficult hours they had been through and on another life they had lost. Granted, it had been Beth’s choice to die, but Jack could not help wondering whether there was something else, something more they could have done for the poor woman. It was a question he asked time and time again. There was so much death, so many lives destroyed in the wake of what they did.

His darks thoughts were interrupted by Ianto quietly stepping into his office.

“I was just heading out and I wondered if there was anything else you needed before I go, Sir?” 

Ianto’s eyes flickered to the weapon in Jack’s hands and then returned to focus on Jack, his face perfectly composed.

“I’m good, thanks,” Jack said, shaking his head. He watched as Ianto turned to go and on an impulse called after him:

“Hey, Ianto?”

“Yes?”

Ianto walked closer this time, an eyebrow raised in a silent question.

“Do you… Would you like to go for a drink, maybe grab a bite to eat if you’re hungry?” Jack asked with a hint of uncertainty.

What little emotion had been visible on Ianto’s face before now disappeared. He turned partly away from Jack, towards the door, like he could not wait to get out of the office.

“I thought I made it clear before that I was not ready to go there with you,” Ianto said quietly.

“Oh no, that’s not what I meant!” Jack rushed to reply, realising that Ianto had misinterpreted his question. “I wasn’t asking you out on a date.”

“You weren’t?” Ianto looked puzzled.

“No, you made your decision and I respect that,” Jack spoke, his tone soft. “But you also said that you would be my friend and I could really use one tonight. I thought maybe you could too.”

The hardness in Ianto’s eyes softened and he came closer again. His eyes strayed back to the alien blade and that seemed to make his mind up for him.

“So a drink and something to eat, as friends?” He clarified. Jack nodded. “Yes, I think I’d like that.”

“Brilliant, let’s go!” Jack got up with a broad grin on his face.

“Should I put that in the archives first?” Ianto pointed to the blade. 

“Not tonight.” Jack shook his head. “It’ll still be there tomorrow morning.”

“Very well, Sir,” Ianto agreed.

He walked over to the coat stand and picked up Jack’s long coat. Returning to Jack, he held it open so that Jack could slip it on. As soon as the coat was on, Ianto stepped back.

They exited the Hub via the tourist office and paused side by side to breathe in the fresh, salty air. Between ragged clouds, a handful of stars were shining, their visibility dimmed by the glow of the city lights.

“Is there anywhere in particular you’d like to go?” Jack asked as they started walking across the Plass.

Ianto thought for a moment. “There’s a new Mexican place just a few minutes’ walk away that I've heard good things about. How about we give it a go? I think we could both do with dinner as well as drinks.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

It was late enough that the restaurant was relatively quiet and they chose a table where they could talk without the risk of being overheard by the other patrons. They sat in silence for a while, both engrossed in the menu. Having made their choices, they flagged a waiter to take their order.

“How are you, Ianto?” Jack asked, while they waited for their drinks to arrive.

“I’m fine, Sir.”

“Ianto, please. We’re here as friends, not as colleagues. I do have a name.”

Ianto quirked an eyebrow. “Technically it’s someone else’s name.”

Jack made a face. “Just humour me, please.”

“Very well,” Ianto replied with a hint of amusement in his eyes. “I’m fine, Jack.”

Jack smiled. “That’s better. Your answer is awful, though.”

“How so?” Ianto asked, looking surprised.

“Because you didn’t really say anything at all, merely gave me a stock response reserved for relative strangers.”

“Very observant, Si- Jack,” Ianto conceded.

Their drinks were delivered and they smiled their thanks to the waiter. Ianto snagged a tortilla chip from the bowl they had ordered and scooped up a generous helping of guacamole. 

Jack took a sip of his water and fixed Ianto with a pointed stare. “So how are you?”

Ianto gave him a tiny smile as he considered the question. “It’s been quite a month,” he admitted. “I’m still trying to wrap my head around it all. Between you returning, John Hart and his games, and these Sleeper agents hiding among the general population; yeah, it’s a lot even by our standards.”

“It is a lot.” Jack reached out to take his hand, reconsidered and picked up a tortilla chip instead. “I really am sorry I left like that.”

Ianto shrugged with a rueful smile. “You had your reasons, I’m sure.”

“I did.” Jack nodded. “Nevertheless, you all deserved more than just an empty office and CCTV footage of me running away.” He looked at Ianto with a serious expression. “You most of all.”

“We never made any promises to one another.” Ianto glanced away, his lips twisting into an ironic smile. “Whatever it was we had; well, I had no claim over you.”

“Still, I handled things badly, as usual.”

“Perhaps,” Ianto conceded. “But what’s done is done. Time to move on.”

They lapsed into silence, during which their food arrived. Ianto picked at his side salad, aware of just how awkward things were between him and Jack. 

_I shouldn’t have agreed to this ___, he thought. _I said I’d be his friend, but I’m not sure I can be after all. ___

__“Gwen asked me where I went and what happened to me,” Jack said all of a sudden. Ianto looked up at him with raised eyebrows, before finally picking up his burrito._ _

__“Yes, I know,” he said and took a bite of his food._ _

__“I know you do,” Jack acknowledged with a hint of awkwardness. “In fact, she’s asked that more than once. Everyone has, except you. Why is that?”_ _

__Ianto took a sip of his drink. “I didn’t want to pry. You’re a man who keeps his secrets close, that much is obvious. I assumed that if you wanted me to know, you’d tell me.”_ _

__“Thank you for not pushing,” Jack replied with genuine gratitude._ _

__“You have as much right to secrets as the rest of us.”_ _

__“Not everyone seems to think so,” Jack pointed out._ _

__Ianto shrugged. “People have been wrong before.” He smiled when Jack looked up in surprise. “It does happen, you know. But granted, as our leader, if you have information that might put us in danger, it would be good if you shared it. Beyond that, you’re just a human, and therefore entitled to the same degree of privacy as the rest of us.”_ _

__“I can’t die,” Jack reminded him._ _

__“That doesn’t make you any less human,” Ianto countered, with a hint of empathy in his eyes._ _

__“I’m from the future.”_ _

__“I thought as much,” Ianto murmured, largely to himself. He then glanced at Jack. “Still human, though.”_ _

__“I was born in a different galaxy, on the surface of an alien world,” Jack offered, not quite sure why he was pushing the issue._ _

__Ianto considered his words for a moment. “Now, does that mean that technically I’ve had sex with an alien?” he queried, the corner of his mouth twitching._ _

__Jack had just taken a sip of his water and Ianto’s unexpected reply made him choke. He coughed and spluttered for quite some time, trying to regain his composure. Ianto watched his struggles with an amused smile._ _

__“Seems I’ve discovered a way to render you speechless, Sir,” he commented evenly. “I’ll be sure to remember that for future reference.”_ _

__“I didn’t realise that was on the agenda for tonight,” Jack remarked dryly when he finally got his breath back._ _

__“Consider it an amusing side effect,” Ianto deadpanned._ _

__“Amusing may not be the right word.”_ _

__“So you say.” Ianto’s eyes were dancing with laughter._ _

__They finished their dinner in comfortable silence, each smiling at the direction the conversation had taken. The waiters were starting to tidy up the restaurant, so they paid for their meal and left._ _

__The wind had picked up while they were eating and there was an edge of chill in the air. Ianto buttoned up his coat, but then turned to face the wind. When he spoke, his words were swept away almost before Jack could hear them._ _

__“It’s not too late yet. Fancy going for a quick walk?”_ _

__“Sure. Where to?”_ _

__“The Landsea Gardens will be quiet; we can talk without being heard,” Ianto suggested._ _

__“Lead the way.”_ _

__They walked side by side along the dark road, neither troubled by the wind growing stronger as they left the relative shelter of the buildings. As Ianto had predicted, the gardens were deserted - most of Cardiff were already at home and asleep._ _

__“I’m sorry, Ianto,” Jack apologised out of the blue._ _

__“What for?” Ianto frowned in confusion._ _

__“For Beth, for today.”_ _

__Ianto slowed down and stopped. Jack turned to face him._ _

__“I’m not sure I follow, Jack.”_ _

__“I’m sorry I couldn’t find a better resolution for Beth, one that didn’t end with her dying,” Jack clarified, both his voice and his expression conveying his genuine regret._ _

__“None of us found a solution,” Ianto reminded him. He appeared to sense where the conversation was headed and the unreadable mask rose to gradually obscure the real Ianto._ _

__“But as your leader, it’s my job to save the day, preferably while looking suitably dashing.” Jack’s sad smile was at odds with the humour in his words. “And I failed to do so.”_ _

__“We all wanted to save her and we all failed.”_ _

__Jack rubbed a hand hover his tired eyes. “And as a result we had to shoot her.”_ _

__“So we did,” Ianto agreed, his voice carefully neutral._ _

__Jack reached out to lay his hand on Ianto’s shoulder. “I saw, Ianto.”_ _

__Ianto met Jack’s eyes, face blank. “Saw what, Sir?”_ _

__“Don’t hide from me,” Jack implored, taking a step closer and squeezing his shoulder. “Please.”_ _

__“You probably saw a lot of things,” Ianto hedged, looking at his feet. He shifted sideways a little, so that Jack’s hand slipped off his shoulder and ran down his arm, before the contact between them was broken._ _

__Jack reached out to take Ianto’s hand, but again he hesitated and let his hand drop to his side._ _

__When he spoke again, his words were slow and gentle. “I saw you drop your gun like it burned your fingers. I saw you turn away and head for the tunnels as soon as you possibly could. I saw you, Ianto, the real you, the one you hide behind that mask of yours far too often.”_ _

__“I see.” Ianto turned away and began walking again. Jack had to lengthen his strides to catch up with him._ _

__“I’m not judging you, if that’s what you’re worried about,” he hurried to explain. “I just want you to know that I understand.”_ _

__Ianto glanced at him, looking sceptical, but said nothing._ _

__“I know how hard it must have been for you to pull that trigger, to shoot Beth,” Jack pressed on, undeterred by Ianto’s lack of response. “It was the night Lisa died all over again, except this time you were one of the people holding the gun.”_ _

__Ianto whirled around so fast Jack collided with him. He considered taking a step back, but chose to stay in Ianto’s personal space. Ianto opened his mouth to speak, but instead he took a few deep breaths to calm himself. When he finally spoke, his words were cool and clipped._ _

__“I had to protect Gwen - we all did. She’s part of the team after all.”_ _

__Jack felt understanding flash through his mind. He rested his hands on Ianto’s arms as he nodded. “And that makes it all the worse, doesn’t it? Because the night Lisa died, it was you against the team, against the rest of us. We were protecting the planet, not you, and certainly not whatever was left of your girlfriend. No matter how much you kept yourself from us, you were still part of the team and we – I – turned our backs on you.”_ _

__Despite Jack’s soothing tone, Ianto recoiled like he had been punched in the gut. Only Jack’s hold on him kept him from backing away. For a moment, his carefully crafted façade crumbled and Jack caught a glimpse of the young man behind the nigh impenetrable defences._ _

__“You …” Ianto started to speak, but the words died in his throat._ _

__“I’m sorry, Ianto. I keep failing you. I failed you that night and every day leading up to Lisa’s death. I don’t think I’ve stopped letting you down since. I should have held you through your mourning, been there for you as a friend, instead of eagerly leaping into a casual relationship with you, which only ended up causing you more grief. My only hope is that in time I might be able to make up for my short comings and that in time you might come to forgive me.”_ _

__“We've never really talked about any of this before,” Ianto pointed out, his voice hesitant, “so why now?”_ _

__“Because we should have talked about this a long time ago. I know we spent time together during your suspension, but in some ways it was time wasted exactly because we didn't talk about the things that needed talking about, we didn't say the things that we should have said to each other.”_ _

__“So much time has passed, I'm not really sure what to say now,” Ianto admitted._ _

__“I think we'll figure it out,” Jack reassured him. “It's not necessarily a conversation we need to have now, but consider this rather as the opening of a frank and open dialogue between us.”_ _

__Ianto searched his eyes for a moment and whatever he found there led him to incline his head in agreement. “Wherever you went, whatever happened to you while you were away, you came back a changed man,” he murmured, largely to himself._ _

__Jack caught his words and for a brief moment a shadow passed across his eyes. “I did. Perhaps now I finally appreciate what I had and how I should have acted, as your leader, you friend and your lover.”_ _

__“I didn't make things easy for you by hiding so much of myself. And that applies to the time after Lisa died as well as before it.”_ _

__Jack gave him a rueful smile. “But that should have only made me try harder to get close to you. Instead I chose the easy road and look where it led us; look what we've become.”_ _

__“It's not too late for everything. You,” Ianto started and then hesitated, “you could hold me now.” The words were spoken so softly Jack barely heard them._ _

__Watching Ianto’s reactions carefully, Jack slid his arms around him and pulled him into a hug. He felt Ianto’s arms snake around his back to clutch fistfuls of his coat. Ianto rested his forehead against Jack’s shoulder, hiding his face from view. Jack leaned his own head down against Ianto’s and inhaled the scent of his hair._ _

__They stayed in the embrace for a long time. It occurred to Jack as he held Ianto that they never really paused to enjoy closeness in such a fashion before. For them, touch and intimacy had always been about sex, about heated kisses and urgent fingers tugging clothes out of the way. He realised with a pang of regret that he had missed out on more than just a date with Ianto. Their relationship had the potential to be far more than he ever appreciated and now he might never know just how far that potential extended._ _

__When Ianto finally pulled back, his face was composed once more, but Jack sensed that he was not hiding behind his usual mask. He hesitantly left his hands resting on Ianto’s hips, uncertain how such an intimate gesture would be received. Ianto, however, just smiled._ _

__“Thank you, Jack. Your apology means a lot to me, as does the acknowledgement that although we've both gone about things in an unhelpful fashion, you'd like that to change. I do too. And I likewise owe you an apology,” Ianto said, his voice gaining more confidence as he spoke._ _

__“What for?” Jack frowned._ _

__“For not trusting you to do the right thing, not just for the team but for everyone. For not having faith in you. But most of all, for not stopping Owen before he shot you.”_ _

__“Oh, Ianto,” Jack murmured, eyes flooding with understanding. “I forgave you a long time ago. I forgave all of you when I came back to life after Abaddon.”_ _

__“Doesn’t mean I forgave myself. Or indeed that I deserved your forgiveness,” Ianto told him, looking away. “I should have trusted you to see the bigger picture. You've shown yourself capable of doing so time and time again, but that time...I couldn't stand by you. I wanted to, I really did. And it wasn't just because I had a vision of Lisa telling me to open the Rift, I guess my trust in you simply wasn't as strong as it ought to have been. And for that, I'm truly sorry.”_ _

__Jack let out a sigh, filled with a new found appreciation of just how similar they were. They both carried a heavy burden on their shoulders._ _

__“I hadn't exactly inspired much trust recently, had I? I said some terrible things to you, to goad you, and I shut all of you out when you needed me to share my knowledge with you the most. I handled that badly, just for a change. I didn't treat you as a team, indeed I didn't trust you. So what reason did you have to trust me? And that was before you then found that I had held back on the biggest secret of all; that I can't die.”_ _

__“But we'd already betrayed you by then,” Ianto reminded him._ _

__“And yet that was almost further justification for you not trusting me, was it not?”_ _

__“I see you point,” Ianto conceded._ _

__“So you see, I understand well why you all acted the way you did. The mark of a good leader is the ability to inspire trust and loyalty and I clearly failed in that. It would have been hypocritical of me to then not forgive you afterwards.”_ _

__“Nevertheless, I can't help but to feel guilty and responsible about everything that happened.”_ _

__There was a moment's silence as they both considered what had been said._ _

__“How about this, then,” Jack suggested. “We forgive each other here and now? That should at the very least be the first step to forgiving ourselves.”_ _

__Ianto considered his words. “Do you really think it's that simple?”_ _

__“I honestly don't know,” Jack admitted. “But what I do know is that there are shadows of past deeds hanging between us and I feel like we have ghosts to exorcise before we can truly be friends. And I would very much like to be your friend. But even more than that, I want to trust you and for you to feel that you can trust me. And I'm not sure we're quite there yet.”_ _

__“The team will follow you now in a way we never quite followed you before.”_ _

__Jack shook his head. “This is not about the team, about Torchwood. This is just about you and me.”_ _

__Ianto thought for a moment and then nodded slowly. “You're right; and I too want us to be friends. So...” Ianto took a deep breath. “I forgive you. I forgive you for keeping secrets and for shooting Lisa. I understand now, as I did on some level already back then, that you only did what was necessary. I also forgive you for holding back your knowledge of the Rift and the consequences of opening it, and indeed for pushing us away when we needed your guidance and your trust in us.”_ _

__Jack was about to respond, but Ianto indicated that he should wait._ _

__“On the back of all of that, there's something I need to ask of you. And I realise that it's a selfish of me to request this, but would you please promise me one thing? When you leave again, please warn me first, or at least leave a note.”_ _

__“Ianto...” Jack closed his eyes briefly. “I'm not going to leave again.”_ _

__The look of disbelief in Ianto's eyes wounded him more than he had imagined._ _

__“I left to find the right kind of Doctor, my Doctor, to see if he could make me mortal again. But he couldn't fix me and that means no one in the universe can. So I have no reason to leave again.”_ _

__Although Jack's words went some way towards softening Ianto's guarded expression, it was clear that he did not believe Jack._ _

__“Please just promise me that?” he repeated. “I don't want to spend every day wondering if today will be the day when you disappear again.”_ _

__Jack was careful to maintain eye contact as he inclined his head. “Very well. I promise that if I leave again, I won't do so without advance warning or without leaving a note.”_ _

__“Thank you, Jack.” There was a note of relief in Ianto's voice._ _

__“My turn now?” Jack checked._ _

__“Yes.”_ _

__“And I, in turn, forgive you for hiding Lisa in the Hub and for endangering us all. Just as I forgive you for your participation in opening the Rift and for not stopping Owen from shooting me.”_ _

__They watched each other for a long moment, each weighing the words that had just been spoken. Both were aware of Jack's hands on Ianto's arms and the proximity of their bodies._ _

__“So, was it that simple?” Ianto ventured to ask._ _

__“I still don't know, but I would say that it's a step in the right direction at least.”_ _

__“I think so too.”_ _

__Jack gave him a small smile. “Then for that reason alone it was worth doing. Besides, I do think that the apologies we've made were long overdue.”_ _

__With a final squeeze of Ianto’s arms, Jack stepped away and they resumed walking. Both appeared less burdened after making their apologies._ _

__Ianto led Jack along a meandering path through the Landsea Gardens until he reached the end of the stone walkway and open sea spread out before them. He only stopped when his toes were over the edge of the paving and drew in a deep breath. As he exhaled, a great deal of tension left his body._ _

__“I love this place,” he murmured._ _

__Jack watched him with interest as another realisation about Ianto Jones flashed through is mind. “Is this were you come when you need to be alone?”_ _

__“Yes.” Ianto nodded, his eyes fixed on the dark horizon. “This is my rooftop.”_ _

__“Why bring me here?” Jack asked, genuinely curious about his reasoning._ _

__“You shared something of yourself today,” Ianto replied and finally glanced in Jack’s direction. “It seemed only fair that I do the same.”_ _

__“Thank you.”_ _

__Ianto nodded without a word as a particularly strong gust of wind whipped and tore at their clothes._ _

__Since the night had unexpectedly become about apologies, Jack thought he had one more to make. “I’m sorry about Gwen.”_ _

__Ianto raised an eyebrow in silent query, but said nothing._ _

__“About flirting with her so much, about letting her get away with far more than the rest of you do. But flirting is as far as it goes, as far as it’s ever gone.”_ _

__“I don’t know why you’re apologising to me, Jack,” Ianto said cautiously. “As I said earlier, I have no claim over you.”_ _

__“I know you did, but I felt, still feel, that you deserved an explanation. My asking you out was in no way a consequence of that conversation in the corridor with Gwen. I had always intended to propose a date, but as usual my timing was atrocious.”_ _

__Ianto stared at him for a long moment, his face inscrutable. “Okay,” he eventually said._ _

__“However poorly I may have conveyed it,” Jack continued, taking heart from Ianto’s response, not matter how vague it was, “I need you to know that you were never a second choice for me, not before I left and certainly not after I came back.”_ _

__“Thank you for setting the record straight,” Ianto replied with a small smile. “I must admit, I did assume otherwise.”_ _

__Jack nodded. “I know, Tosh told me. Among other things.”_ _

__Ianto tilted his head to the side as he raised an eyebrow. “She said she spoke to you, but she didn’t really elaborate much further than that.”_ _

__“She was pretty blunt,” Jack chuckled. “But then again, that’s exactly what I needed, so she did me a favour, really.”_ _

__“She has a habit of being exactly what we need,” Ianto mused quietly._ _

__“Agreed.” Jack smiled fondly as he thought about their friend. The smile faded away as he glanced at Ianto with caution. “So, are you seeing anyone at the moment?”_ _

__“No.” Ianto shook his head with a wry twist of his lips. “As I said, you’re a tough act to follow.”_ _

__Jack tried not to show how much Ianto’s words pleased him, before venturing to ask another question that had been on his mind during the year on Valiant and ever since he returned to Cardiff. “And while I was away, did you date anyone?”_ _

__Ianto let out a hollow laugh. “Date? No. Shag? Yes, plenty of people. I thought I’d try taking a leaf out of Owen’s book to see if that might be what I needed, what I was looking for.”_ _

__“And was it?” Jack found he was holding his breath while waiting for Ianto’s response._ _

__“No, it wasn’t. Quite the opposite, in fact. So it got old pretty quickly and I gave it up after a while.”_ _

__Jack felt relief wash over him. “I have no doubt that you’ll find someone soon; someone who truly deserves you,” he said with a warm smile._ _

__“We’ll see,” Ianto replied thoughtfully, a small frown creasing the skin between his eyebrows._ _

__As another gust of wind hit him, Jack shivered despite his long coat. “It’s pretty late, so we should probably get back,” he commented with a hint of reluctance._ _

__“Good idea,” Ianto agreed and turned away from the dark sea._ _

__They retraced their steps through the empty gardens. The Plass was likewise deserted and as if by silent agreement they made their way to the invisible lift. Jack stepped onto the paving stone, while Ianto stopped next to it._ _

__“Do you want me to make you a cup of coffee before I head home?” Ianto asked, uncertain how to say good night to Jack._ _

__“No need.” Jack shook his head. “I’ll give the monitors a brief check and then go to bed. No doubt you could do with a good night’s sleep as well.”_ _

__“You’re probably right,” Ianto acknowledged the sense in his words. “In any case, we should make the most of the opportunity to rest.”_ _

__“Quite so.” Jack gave Ianto a smile that belied his nervousness. “Thank you for tonight. I’m really glad we had a chance to talk.”_ _

__Ianto responded with a smile of his own. “Me too. I do think it helped a great deal. Good night, Jack.”_ _

__“Good night, Ianto.”_ _

__Jack watched Ianto walk away towards his car. After a few moments, he activated the lift with his wrist strap, feeling lighter than he had for some time. He and Ianto may have begun the day as colleagues, but maybe, just maybe they had ended it as tentative friends._ _


	3. No Regrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: Torchwood belongs to BBC, I make no money from this. Also, the dialogue in the final section of this chapter is borrowed from the episode To The Last Man, so all credit for it goes to the writers of that particular episode.
> 
> Author’s note: Another end of the road… In hindsight I’m very glad I turned this into a short series, not least because I find the ending quite satisfying. 
> 
> Many thanks to my wonderful beta, Darcy58, not just for continuing to put up with my scribbles, but also for persuading me that the first part needed a sequel or two. He was right, but then again, he usually is.

No Regrets

“You’re different,” Jack stated out of the blue.

Jack had shown up at Ianto's door unannounced and with a haunted look on his face. When asked what was wrong, he had shaken his head and refused to answer. Even if he had been busy, the vulnerability in Jack's eyes would have made Ianto cancel his plans without hesitation.

Now the remains of a home made pizza lay on the coffee table in front of them and they were comfortably seated on his sofa. The conversation during the meal had been light; Ianto was uncertain how to approach the issue of what was bothering Jack and Jack had seemed keen to keep to safe, general topics. Deviating from his usual habits, Jack had accepted a glass of red wine with his food. He was twirling the almost empty glass between his fingers as he made his unexpected statement.

“Okay…” Ianto agreed slowly, not really sure where Jack was going.

“What I mean is that you’re different when we’re spending time together,” Jack clarified upon seeing his confusion. “You hide yourself less, you’re more relaxed and you laugh a lot more.”

Ianto nodded. “Well yes, that makes sense. When the others are around it’s usually because we’re working, whereas we’re off duty at the moment. I prefer to keep my work and personal lives separate, at least to some degree.” His last words were accompanied by a wry grin to acknowledge how fine a line there was between his work and personal lives. 

“I guess I never noticed it before, although having said that, we did spend most of our time together having sex. I’m sorry I never really took the time to see you, or found things for us to do that didn’t involve bodily contact.” Jack laid his hand briefly on Ianto’s arm to emphasise the sincerity of his words.

“Thank you, Jack.” Ianto acknowledged the apology with a small nod.

A moment's silence followed, before Jack spoke again:

“I died tonight.”

It was Ianto's turn to lay his hand on Jack's arm. “How?”

“I got careless during a Weevil hunt. I thought I could handle it by myself, so I didn't call for back up. Instead of handling it, I woke up alone in the park, the Weevil long gone.”

Ianto frowned with concern. “You should have called me and I would have driven out to pick you up.”

“I had the SUV, so that wasn't really practical.” Jack shrugged and ran a hand through his hair. “But I needed to see you, so I came here and intruded upon your evening off.”

“And I've told you several times already that I wasn't doing anything. Besides, even if I was, you would still have been welcome here, Jack.” Ianto's voice belied a hint of friendly exasperation.

“I know, Ianto. Thank you.” Jack got up from the sofa and began pacing.

“I don't even know why this particular death affected me so. I've died hundreds of times, Ianto. Enough that I no longer even try to keep count of all my deaths. Yet it was so bleak to wake up alone in that cold, dark park after a Weevil ripped my throat open.”

Ianto's eyes were full of sympathy as he watched Jack. “I'm sorry you had to go through that alone.” He hesitated for a moment. “We've never really spoken about this, but how would you prefer to come back? Is it a private thing for you, or would you rather someone was there with you?”

“It helps to have someone there to focus on.” Jack's words were so soft Ianto had to lean forward to catch them. “The first few moments are always disorienting, because everything about the process is so unnatural. Holding on to someone, well, it grounds me. I don't even know if I can explain it, really.”

“I understand,” Ianto adopted the same low tone as Jack had used. “I will sit with you, wait with you, whenever I can, if you wish?”

Hope lit Jack's face as he returned to the sofa and sat down. “I would.”

Ianto gave him a small nod. “It's settled, then.”

“Thank you, Ianto.”

Silence settled in the room as Ianto lost himself in Jack’s eyes. Sexual tension sparked between them; a feeling he remembered very well from his earlier times with Jack. He might have turned down that date with Jack, but that did not mean he was not as attracted to him as he once was. In fact, the friendship that had developed between them had deepened that attraction and coloured it with something that often left Ianto trembling in the middle of the night. As yet he was unwilling to give a name to his feelings, let alone act on them.

But as he watched Jack break the eye contact to stare at his lips, Ianto knew that they were both thinking about the same thing. The memory of the kisses they had once shared sent a lick of heat through him and he had to make an effort not to squirm on the sofa. He wanted nothing more than to lean forward and remind himself of every exquisite detail, but he knew that doing so would only complicate things further. Friendship with Jack had been his choice and Jack had been wonderful in accepting that decision. Was he really ready to change everything between them?

Before he had a chance to make up his mind, the moment was broken by Jack getting up all of a sudden. As Ianto looked at him in confusion, Jack gave him a tight smile. “It’s late. Time for me to go, I think.”

“Very well,” Ianto said, even though he did not think it was particularly late. “Thanks for coming. I hope this helped and I'm glad you came.”

“Me too,” Jack replied as he made his way to Ianto’s front door. As he turned to look at Ianto, a hand on the door handle, his smile was a little more genuine. “Sleep well, Ianto.”

“Good night, Jack.”

Ianto watched him leave and then leaned against the lounge doorframe, allowing disappointment to well inside him.

Jack strode from the building, muttering curses under his breath. He reached the SUV within moments and yanked open the driver's side door as if it was the vehicle that had upset him so. Slipping in, he rested his hands on the steering wheel and leant back, closing his eyes. The image of Ianto on the sofa just a few moments earlier entered the forefront of his mind unbidden. He had seen everything; those familiar lips slightly parted, the way Ianto had leaned in just a little, need and confusion warring in his blue eyes. If he had not shot up when he did, he would have pulled Ianto into his arms and spent the rest of the night kissing him. Not making love to him, just kissing him, which was something he had never taken the time to appreciate.

“What the hell am I doing?” Jack murmured to himself. “He's a friend, just a friend. Deal with it.”

Even if Ianto had been thinking about the two of them kissing just then, he had made his choice clear; he did not want to be more than friends with Jack. In the past, Jack might have taken that as a challenge, an invitation to do his best to change his mind. But now, he found himself merely respecting Ianto's choice. He had not given Ianto that respect when they had been together before, although he had always deserved it. It might be too late for them as a couple now, but he could still make a start in treating Ianto the way he should be treated. And if that meant accepting that they were friends even though he wanted more, then so be it.

He cast one last glance towards Ianto's windows, intending to start the car and drive off, but his attention was arrested by a dark shape in the window. He could not see the expression on Ianto's face, it was too far and too dark for that, but something about his posture made Jack think that Ianto might be grappling with the same sort of thoughts. They stared at one another for a long while, the tension and confusions flying even across such a great distance. Jack felt as though a question was being asked and he wondered whether he was giving the right answer. He was not entirely certain what the question was.

After what seemed like an eternity, Ianto raised his hand in what may have been a wave, but might also have been his fingers lightly brushing against the window. Jack returned the gesture and the spell that had bound them in place was broken. The curtains rippled as Ianto moved away from the window and Jack finally started the car. He drove off, more uncertain than ever.

* * *

A tense and at times awkward week later, Ianto and Jack were walking through the alley ways of Cardiff centre, looking for a Weevil they had earlier spotted stalking the club-goers. The others were dealing with a minor Rift alert out of town. 

Ianto was about to suggest that they split up to cover more ground, when a sound ahead made them both freeze. Jack motioned with his stun gun for them to approach with care, and Ianto nodded his agreement. They advanced through two more alleys without seeing or hearing anything further. Something about the situation made Ianto feel uneasy, and he was about to try to convey his discomfort to Jack when he felt a presence stepping out of the shadows right next to him.

“Ja-” was all he could get out before he was slammed into a brick wall, bright lights flashing before his eyes.

“Ianto!” 

Jack calling his name seemed to carry across a vast distance, although that may have had something to do with the strange ringing in his ears. Instinct made him drop to the right, a mere moment before something crashed against the wall next to his head. Trying to focus his eyes, he stabbed to the side with his stun gun and pulled the trigger once he hit something soft. He heard a grunt and his nostrils were filled with a nauseating stench.

Trying not to gag, he heard sounds of fighting from behind and turned that way, leaning against the wall for support. He blinked his eyes rapidly in an effort to clear his vision, before he realised that his face was wet. He wiped his eyes with his hand, which came back bloody. Only then did the pain on his forehead register and he had to run a hand over his brow for a second time to keep the blood away from his eyes.

His first problem taken care of, he could now see Jack a few yards away, grappling with a large Weevil. It appeared Jack might have been winning, until another Weevil charged from an adjoining alley and slashed its vicious claws across Jack's abdomen. Even in the minimal lighting, Ianto could see the colour drain from Jack's face as the pain hit him. Jack's grip on the first Weevil faltered and both creatures took advantage of the opening and pounced.

“Bollocks to this,” Ianto muttered and pulled out his gun. When they were patrolling in the heavily populated areas such as the one they were in, their pistols had silencers and Ianto was very grateful for that, as he emptied his magazine into the two Weevils savaging Jack. The creatures shuddered as their insides were shredded by bullets, and then they and Jack collapsed in a heap to the ground.

Ianto put his gun away, conscious both of Jack having been seriously hurt and of the stunned Weevil that might come to any moment. With trembling hands he sprayed it with Weevil spray and cuffed it. Rushing over to Jack he heaved the heavy carcasses off him. He hoped that Jack looked red only because of the blood dripping into his eyes, but a second glance revealed that he had bled from several lacerations on his torso. What stilled his frantic movements was the glazed look in Jack's eyes. He was dead.

With a great deal of effort, Ianto dragged the Weevils a few yards away, and then returned to Jack. He took off his tie and fished a clean handkerchief from his pocket. Using them to fashion a makeshift bandage, he tied it against the cut on his forehead. First aid performed to his satisfaction, he turned back to Jack's lifeless form. 

He had not forgotten his promise to Jack made a week earlier, nor the circumstances that had prompted it. Now it was time to keep the promise, but he was not entirely certain how to go about doing so. He sat down cross-legged next to Jack and, after a moment, took Jack's cold hand in his. A minute went by as he considered his current position and concluded that it did not feel right. He shifted around, wincing at the grime of the alley and lifted Jack's body to lay his head on his lap. He could see the chest wounds beginning to heal, and so took Jack's hand in his once more. His other hand he lay gently on Jack's shoulder.

“I hope this helps, Jack,” he whispered.

Then he waited.

As minutes ticked by, he became increasingly aware of the throbbing on his forehead and of the stickiness of the bloodied handkerchief against his skin. 

He waited.

His position and Jack's weight on him was sending his legs to sleep, but he did not move.

He waited.

Glancing around the dark alley, he hoped that no one decided to use it as a short cut on their way home. It would be impossible to explain the aliens lying nearby and why he was sitting on the ground with a dead body. 

He waited.

He also hoped there were no more Weevils nearby. As a precaution, he let go of Jack's hand just long enough to load a new magazine of bullets into his gun.

He waited.

After what seemed an eternity, Jack's body jolted as though he had been electrocuted. The return to life was quieter than Ianto had expected, but he held on tight as Jack struggled to draw a breath. The grip on his hand tightened until it was almost unbearable and he found himself gripping Jack's shoulder in added support.

“I'm here, Jack,” he said and then realised that Jack might not yet know who he was. “It's me, Ianto.”

“Ianto; I know.” Jack's voice was hoarse, but the words were clear enough.

“Would you like me to get you something? Is there anything you need?” Ianto continued to worry that he had no real idea how to best help the man in his arms.

“Just be there, just hold me for a while longer,” Jack requested softly. “That's all I need.”

“I'm here for as long as you want me,” Ianto assured him.

He pulled Jack a little higher up in his arms and held him tight. On an impulse he pressed a quick kiss on Jack's still cold forehead and then closed his eyes, resolutely not thinking about the wider implications of their words.

Much later that evening, after the Weevil corpses had been incinerated and the surviving alien had been settled into a cell next to Janet, Ianto had returned home, and was now pacing back and forth in his lounge. He was dressed casually in jeans and a dark green hoodie, and his hair was still wet after the shower he had taken. Owen had stitched up the wound and there was now a proper bandage on his forehead.

He was still shaken up by the events of the evening, so he did the only thing he could think of. Grabbing his phone from the coffee table, he dialled Tosh's number. She picked up almost immediately.

“Hey, Tosh,” he greeted her, letting out the breath he had not realised he had been holding.

“Ianto?”

“Look, I know it's late, but would you mind terribly if I dropped by? Assuming you're not busy of course?”

“No, not busy,” she replied, her words sounding hesitant. “Is everything okay, Ianto?”

Ianto ran a hand through his hair and winced when his fingers brushed against the fresh cut. “Not really, which is why I need to speak with you.”

“I'll put a fresh pot of green tea brewing.” Tosh's voice had changed from hesitant to concerned.

“Thanks, Tosh. I'll be there in ten minutes.”

“I'll see you then.”

Exactly ten minutes later Ianto knocked on Tosh's door. He had dashed straight out after ending the call, not even bothering to pick up a jacket. The short walk from his car to Tosh's front door had him shivering with cold.

“Ianto.” Tosh smiled as she opened the door and beckoned him in.

“Hey.” He paused to give her cheek a kiss and then followed her into the warmth of her flat. 

“Tea is just ready.”

“Great, thanks,” Ianto said as they moved to her open plan kitchen. “I forgot my coat.”

“I noticed.” Tosh gave him a slightly unimpressed look as she poured two cups of tea. “How is your forehead?”

Ianto shrugged. “It's fine now Owen has worked his magic on it. Still a little sore, but I'll live, I think.”

“I should hope so,” she murmured and handed him a cup.

Together they walked around the kitchen island and sat on the sofa. Both tucked one leg under the other, to partially face each other while they talked.

“So, what – or who – has you rushing across town to see me at such a late hour?”

Ianto let out a hollow laugh. “It's Jack, of course. Who else could it be?”

“What's happened?” Tosh frowned, wondering if she needed to have another blunt discussion with Jack.

“Well...” Ianto took a deep breath and then his words tumbled out. “About a week ago he showed up at my place, all upset because of a particularly bleak death. I promised I would sit with him after he died, whenever I could. Then we nearly kissed. I was still making up my mind about whether I wanted that to happen, and I think I would have done, had Jack not rushed off suddenly. And then tonight, as you know, he died during the Weevil hunt and I sat with him. In fact, I held him in my arms both before and after he came back to life. And he said that all he wanted, all he needed, was for me to hold him. And I did and now I don't know what to think about any of it.”

“Slow down,” Tosh said with a laugh. “You're going way too fast!”

Ianto took a sip of his tea. “Sorry.”

“Let's cover one thing at a time,” she suggested and placed her tea cup on the coffee table. Ianto leaned forward to put a coaster under the cup, which made Tosh roll her eyes. “You and Jack nearly kissed?”

“Yes, we had a Moment.”

“A Moment? With a capital M?”

“Yup.” Ianto nodded. “There was a capital M and all sorts of other things in upper case too.”

“I'm not sure I want to know,” Tosh muttered to herself. “So what made it a capital M moment?”

“We were just looking at each other and all of a sudden there was all this tension between us. We were thinking about the same thing, I'm sure of it. I don't know how I know, I just do.” Ianto rubbed his face with his free hand, careful not to spill any of his tea. “I wanted it to happen, Tosh. I wanted to kiss him; I wanted him to kiss me. I wanted it so much my whole body was aching for him. He must have known, he must have. But before I could make up my mind, he leapt up off the sofa and practically ran out of the door. Then he sat in the car outside and I stood by the window and we just stared at each other. And I still felt it, the connection between us, pulling me towards him. I wanted to give in, but I was, still am, scared to do so.”

Tosh took Ianto's tea cup and set it on a spare coaster on the coffee table. She then pulled him into a hug. Her next words were spoken directly to his ear: “What are you afraid of? Getting hurt?”

“When it comes to Jack, getting hurt is pretty much guaranteed,” Ianto chucked and pulled back enough to flash her a rueful smile. “What scares me more is when he leaves again, and he's bound to do so sooner or later, I won't be able to remember how to carry on by myself.”

Ianto stood and walked across to the window. He stared out into the darkness for so long that Tosh wondered whether he had forgotten the thread of the conversation. When he spoke again, it was at his own reflection.

“It's more than that, though. I'm afraid of change.” He glanced over his shoulder at Tosh. “A bad thing to admit to in our job.”

“Not all change is bad,” she pointed out, her words cautious. 

“Perhaps not,” he conceded. “Maybe I should be more specific. I'm afraid of changing things between me and Jack.”

“How so?”

“We’ve both changed. For the better, I think. I’ve even started to forgive myself.”

“For what?”

“For my mistakes while I've been working for Torchwood Three, but for the most part for my involvement in the betrayal that led Owen to shoot Jack.”

Tosh paled a little. “Jack already forgave us for that, didn't he?”

“He did. But I didn't forgive myself. The first step towards that was a long conversation with Jack about the guilt we both bear over our past actions. We agreed to forgive one another then, in the hopes that it might some day lead to us forgiving ourselves. And I think it's working.”

“That's good.” Tosh smiled.

“So you see, us changing has also impacted things between us. We've become friends,” Ianto continued. “In the past weeks, we've grown close in a way that we never did before. We speak in a way we never did before. He sees me, Tosh, he sees me in a whole new way. And I don't want to lose any of that.”

“I had noticed that the two of you seemed to spend more time together outside work. Owen claimed you were sleeping together again, but I disagreed. The tension between you two is different from the way things were before Jack left. But answer me this: What makes you think that becoming something more with Jack will make you lose what the two of you have built so far?”

“Sex always complicates things.”

“So does love,” Tosh responded without missing a beat. Her comment earned her a sharp look from Ianto.

“I never said anything about love.”

“I know.”

“I'm not in love with Jack,” Ianto stated.

Tosh bit back the instinctive “Not yet,” and offered him a smile. “Well, that's one less complication to consider.”

“Yes.” Ianto placed a great deal of emphasis on that word. He looked away. “Loving Jack… That really would be the end of me.”

“Explain that to me because I don’t understand why.” Tosh frowned, confusion evident in her voice and posture.

Ianto stared at his feet as his expression grew grim. “Because if I love him, his leaving again will destroy me.”

“If he leaves again,” Tosh suggested.

“No. When he leaves again,” Ianto insisted.

Tosh closed her eyes, wondering how best to comfort her friend. “As clichéd as I think it sounds, I do believe you should follow your heart in this, your head be damned. What does your heart want?”

“Jack,” Ianto replied straight away. “All of him, as a colleague, a friend and a lover.”

Tosh stood and walked to Ianto to take his hand. “Well then, there's your answer.”

“It's one thing to have these kinds of feelings for and about Jack, it's rather different acting on them,” Ianto argued.

“Look, Ianto,” Tosh started and then hesitated for a moment, “I know losing Lisa hurt you a great deal.” Ianto stiffened at her words, but she continued on regardless, “But you need to open yourself up to disappointment in order to fully feel again. Certainly with Jack there's a chance you'll get your heart broken, but do you not think it – he – is worth the chance? It might end up in tears, but it could be so good too. Go on, Ianto, take a chance.”

“You're right,” Ianto acknowledged with a slow nod. He then laughed and squeezed Tosh's hand. “But you may need to give me many more motivational speeches to help me find the courage to act on my feelings.”

“I'm at your disposal seven days a week, although if you wake me up while I'm sleeping, you may need significant amounts of bribery to get your speeches.” She too laughed.

“Duly noted.”

“It's going to be okay, Ianto.”

“How could you possibly know that?”

Tosh shrugged. “Female instinct. You want Jack, Jack wants you. Things are bound to go well for you two.”

“I think I'll hold you to that.” Ianto pulled her into a warm hug. “Thanks, Tosh.”

“For you, Ianto, any time.”

“So, since I'm here...” Ianto gave Tosh a pointed look. “Are you excited about seeing Tommy again tomorrow?” He laughed at the blush that crept across her features.

* * *

Dealing with Tommy ended up taking up most of the day, which was just as well. The moment Ianto laid eyes on Jack the following morning, all of the resolve Tosh had instilled in him the night before evaporated. They shared a look filled with meaning, which left him trembling. Jack's expression indicated that he might have wanted to talk about what had transpired the previous evening in the alley, but Ianto's courage failed him and he ducked into the kitchenette to prepare the first pot of coffee for the day. By the time he emerged again with a tray of steaming mugs, the others had arrived and Owen had released Tommy's body from the cryo chamber.

As he watched Tosh with Tommy, putting her heart in the firing line despite the impossible circumstances, some of his resolve returned. If she was able to do it, what reason did he have to hold back? But there was one further thing he needed to know, one final question to ask, before he dared take the next step.

The clock had just struck midnight when Ianto walked into Jack's office, unannounced and without knocking. Although his footsteps on the metal grating were barely audible, Jack seemed to either hear or sense him coming. Without turning around, he spoke to the papers on his desk:

“This time tomorrow, he'll be back in 1918.”

How did Jack know what was in his mind? Unless of course he too was wondering about being out of his own time, so very far from home, wherever that might be.

“In his own time.” His heart was hammering in his chest as Ianto asked the question plaguing his mind. “Would you go back to yours? If you could?”

“Why, would you miss me?” Ianto thought he could detect a faint tremor in Jack's voice, even if he tried to evade the question in his usual fashion.

“Yep.”

As he walked closer, Ianto was careful to maintain his cool exterior, even though he was filled with nervous energy. At least keeping his hands in his pockets prevented Jack from seeing how much they were shaking.

“I left home a long time ago. I don't really know where I really belong. Maybe that doesn't matter anymore.”

“I...don't you get lonely?” Ianto asked as he sat on the edge of Jack's desk. They were well within one another's personal space, but not yet close enough for Ianto's liking. Still he hesitated as he waited for Jack to respond.

Jack closed the file before him. “Going home wouldn't fix that.” He looked away and shook his head. “Being here, I've seen things I never thought I'd see. Loved people I never would have known if I'd just stayed where I was.”

When Jack mentioned love, Ianto dropped his eyes to Jack's elbow, trying to remember how to breathe. He could feel Jack looking at him and by their own volition his eyes lifted to meet Jack's. It seemed it was this that Jack had been waiting for. “And I wouldn't change that for the world.”

In Jack's eyes Ianto saw the depth of his feelings, saw the same insecurities he too was feeling. In that moment of clarity, he understood Jack better than ever before, perhaps better than he ever would again. The rest of the world faded away as Ianto made his decision.

His hand no longer shook as he snaked it to grasp Jack's neck and leaned in to kiss him. When their lips met, he had to hold back a smile at how familiar, how right this felt. He had missed kissing Jack, more than he had ever realised. His other hand came to cup Jack's jaw as he felt his shoulders being gripped by strong hands, which soon moved up to cradle his head. The final remnants of his hesitation slipped away as Ianto surrendered himself. 

They were both panting by the time they pulled apart. They stayed close, with just enough space between them for ragged breathing. Jack looked up at him, his eyes awash with desire but also confusion.

“I thought we wouldn’t do this anymore,” he spoke softly. “I thought you didn’t want this.”

“I thought I didn’t,” Ianto replied, his words barely above whisper. “But then I realised that I would regret not finding out what we could be. And I’m not willing to regret that.”

“No more regrets,” Jack agreed as Ianto pulled him into another kiss.


End file.
